I've had this post on my mind for a while, and have been trying to figure out what to write/when to write it. It's one of those things when you've waited so long to share that it never feels like the right time. However, I want to share our story to help get the word out about adoption, and to be a resource for those of you who might be looking into adoption yourselves! Bear with me, as I'm an awful blogger and have included exactly zero photos. I just don't have photos of us waiting on an adoption and going to infertility appointments? It took a lot out of me to write these posts and I just didn't have it in me to then try to pretty them up with photos that I try to make sense of in here. Thank you for reading all of this with no pictures!
This post is going to be part of a 3 part series that I post over the next week. We've received a number of questions and I want to provide blog posts that you aren't longer than the novel on your nightstand. We'll cover discovering our infertility, applying for adoption, and the other options that we may consider in the future, among other things.
So let's start at the beginning. Philip & I were married on August 6th, 2011. We'd always intended to have kids of our own (I'd hoped for 5!) but wanted to wait a couple of years and be just us for a little while. I don't remember exactly when this started, but I felt prompted by God that we should start trying earlier. This sounds a little woo-woo, and I can only think of twice in my life that this has happened. I remember feeling that I couldn't trust if it was God, or my own selfish ambitions, pushing Philip to pull the goalie and see what happens. After months of arguing about it and praying about it, I threw out my birth control on Mother's Day of 2012. At the time it seemed cute and symbolic (though fluke timing as it happened to be the day I would have started my next pill package), but as you can imagine hasn't made for the best Mother's Day's over 7 years that followed.
We were very hopeful, and had no reason to be concerned. I've always had a very regular monthly schedule, and we weren't fretting very much at all as each month things didn't go our way. None of our friends had kids yet (which is crazy to think about as we now have almost 13 kiddos in our close-knit friend group, and 3 nephews born to our brothers and sisters who weren't even married at this time) so the pressure wasn't on as much as it was later.
When we started trying, we came to the conclusion that we would also move. I had quit my job as I was really not enjoying it, and since we were moving and trying for a baby I didn't find a new one. We decided to move from our condo and buy a home so that we could do some renos before kiddo came along, and get used to some of the maintenance required before we had our hands full with a new human to learn about. We moved in August 2012 into the home we're in now and have slowly been renovating over the past 7 years. I am happy to say that our home is fully renovated now and ready to welcome our baby whenever he or she decides to join us!
After a year had passed, we decided to go for routine checkups just to make sure everything was ok. That August, I went to my doctor who did blood tests and sent me for a pelvic ultrasound. The worst part of my ordeal was having to pee on command which anyone who knows me knows I can't do. I also remember the ultrasound tech being super harsh with us and telling Philip he wasn't allowed to come in. I don't totally understand why, isn't it kind of up to me if I'm comfortable with him being in this very private appointment or not? Philip went to his doctor, went to the Dynacare to provide his sample (which if anyone is wondering is done in a room that Philip says looks like a bathroom, but with a recliner instead of a toilet....if chairs could talk). To provide a bit of a look into that (which I'm sure you all want lol), you have 30 mins to get your sample to the clinic which is about 30 mins away from our house, so he elected to do it there. You do have the option of delivering it rather than using the creepy room though if this is something you're embarking on and it helps to have an idea of the ins and outs.
Eventually we ended up going to see an Endocrinologist about Philip's hormone levels. We learned that he had a zero sperm count, so things weren't looking good for us. We experienced numerous delays during that time, the clinic losing our requisitions and blood results, having to redo tests only after calling dozens of times to ask if things were ready, all in all this delayed us learning any diagnosis for about a year. After the endocrinologist did all that he could do, we were referred to Heartland Fertility Clinic here in Winnipeg to see a urologist about a potential biopsy. The idea being, that if they can find a sample through a surgical biopsy, we could use it for IVF. Philip went to the urologist appointment and they basically laughed him out of the room and told us it would be a waste of money. It is still something that we could pursue, but at that point we had been poked and prodded for a year or two and felt like we wanted to take a break from that and move on to something more hopeful. Even if a biopsy was successful which they made us think it wouldn't be, we'd still be looking at a ton of doctor's appointments and procedures with the slim chance of a biological child. The biopsy is about $3000 if I remember correctly, and while the money isn't the only factor, we decided to put a pin in that at the time.
At this point, we had to look into other options. For anyone going through infertility, I just want you to know that I know how hard it is to make these choices. Often during this time we were told, "at least you can adopt!" "what a wonderful thing to do for a child!" "have you tried this herbal remedy?" "so-and-so had this same thing happen and then got pregnant!" etc. etc. Everyone means well, but choosing to adopt rather than have a biological child is not an easy decision. There are tons of factors to consider, and you want to know that you're excited about it and have mourned the loss of being a parent to a kid that looks like you and your husband. When I think back now at being told "at least you can adopt!" I think, well that's easier said than done because we've been waiting years and years. It isn't as easy as that, and no one will understand the emotions that you're feeling. Even I, who has been through it, I'm sure feels things differently than you will.
I often count my blessings in this whole thing. First of all, we started trying earlier than we planned, so we got on an adoption list earlier than we otherwise would have. We're definitely one of the younger couples waiting for an adoption. Secondly, we haven't experienced miscarriage. We've had our own heartbreaks over our infertility, but we've never lost a baby and for that I am forever grateful.
In addition to counting blessings, I fall apart once in a while. I actually hold it together pretty well most of the time, but just last week had an 8 hour crying session about the fact that we just might never have kids. It's ok to be sad, things aren't going our way and it's hard to know what to do next. Writing out these posts will hopefully give our circle an idea of what we're going through and the decisions we're making, as well as provide a glimpse into how all of this works for anyone going through it. If you are going through this, feel free to reach out and ask questions too. No question is too personal, I am an open book and may not think of every question for these posts.
Next up I'll write about applying for and being approved for adoption, as well as the stats/timeframe/etc. to answer questions that have come through. Thanks for your patience with these long posts, and thank you for your continued prayers as we wait to grow our family.
Love you guys!!
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